I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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