At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
