That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Randomize
