i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
