Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
