I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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