I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
