Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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