I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My vagina just recognized that song.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
