Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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