New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
