Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
