I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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