i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
