There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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