I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.