Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
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and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
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I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful