Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.