I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
