If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
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What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?