Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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