she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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