Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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