the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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