he looks like a really good dad on facebook
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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