I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
this boner is exhausting
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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