I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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