His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
