Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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