I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
