Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
