Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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