i think my mom watched the whole time
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
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and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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