He kissed a someone with a penis
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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