there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
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I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
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A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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