My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
only if we run a train.
done.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
