your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
