i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
