You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
