why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
