I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
