I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
a search helicopter?!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
