Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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