i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
