Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
This is the high leading the old right now
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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