wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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