My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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