I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How external is "for external use only"?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
