he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
