why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
