DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Randomize
