Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
