Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
