A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
