Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
