i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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