If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
