Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
