tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
