my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
