my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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