Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
