I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
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Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
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i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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