Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
