Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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